Lockdown!

This afternoon, I watched as the UK woke up to what we’ve effectively been experiencing for the last 9 weeks. Working from home, everything closed but supermarkets and pharmacies, no visitors... but hey, it’s not all doom and gloom. Yes, you may find yourself furiously sweeping behind the fridge at 3am because you can’t sleep, and some days you may lie in bed wondering what is the point in getting up (we've all been there), but hopefully these few points will help you see the silver linings.

You will be glowing
Not touching your face, not wearing any make up, limited time outside in the pollution and under the sun, and less late nights in questionable bars means your skin will look the best it has in years. Use the extra time to do a weekly face-mask for extra pizzazz! And teacher friends, drink as much water as you like - you can use the bathroom whenever you want now. Win-win.

You'll be able to ace any future Master Chef challenge
No pre-made pasta sauce left at the supermarket? No problem! You guys have unrestricted internet access abroad, simply type in whatever you find left in your cupboards followed by “recipe” in to Google or Pinterest. Ritz cracker appetisers made with peanut butter, raw onion and ketchup? You’re welcome.

You will be more sociable in isolation
Got a friend you haven’t spoken to in months as you’ve both been to busy? Now is the time to give them a call. You can ring almost anyone and guarantee they’ll be in, and you'll have something new in common. They may be busy climbing the walls, but hey, your voice might be a nice distraction.

You can give Beyonce a run for her money

If you live by yourself, or you can work out comfortably without scarring your housemates or family for life, then you need to get some YouTube dance workout videos going on. The club better be ready for this jelly.

You will redefine your priorities

I used to think I didn't keep an overly clean and tidy house because I didn't have enough time. No I realise I just don't like it. And living with four dogs, I've learnt to pick my battles carefully.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just might have to squint a little to see it.  We'll get there folks.

As of March 24th:
1,418 unwatched YouTube videos on my 'to watch later' playlist.
400 unread emails.
7 unread paper books (+ 1 kindle).
4 dogs and a hamster.

198 episodes of Friends left to watch.

Happy Mother’s Day, Teacher?

Yesterday was Mother’s Day in the UK, and whilst I didn’t get to see my Mum in person, I was able to video call her with my bro, and revel in the fact that I’m such a bloody good organiser - leaving my Mum’s Mother’s Day present and card with Dad when I was home at Christmas.

I’d sent an email in the evening to the parents, thanking all the Mums, Grandmas and Aunties for their support along with the weekly guided reading timetable. I’d got a couple of thank-yous back, which is always appreciated, but today, when I opened my school email, I also got a “Happy Mother’s Day Miss Emma. We love you,” kind of email.

I’ve tried to be pretty chill about the whole online teaching thing - I actually quite enjoy video calls in my slippers and marking with Mao on my lap (and the mute feature on Zoom is a lifesaver!), but that email just broke me. I sobbed. Someone really should invent some kind of emotional-content-filter system on computers for women on special days, and especially at certain times of the month. I’m already fearful to go on Youtube in case I’m recommended a sad dog rescue video. I might not get out of bed for the next few days.

With 10 new cases yesterday, it’s probably going to be at least another 28 days until we go back to school, and I somehow don’t think the new cases are about to drop to zero from today. I often wonder whether I’ll be able to see my students before the end of the school year...  I sure hope so!

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mums, especially mine, and always remembering my Gran x

As of March 23rd:
1,420 unwatched YouTube videos on my 'to watch later' playlist (avoiding it like the virus)
405 unread emails.
7 unread paper books (+ 1 kindle).
4 dogs and a hamster.

198 episodes of Friends left to watch.

To school or not to school...

24th February, 2nd March, 16th March... every time I get an email from HR I anticipate another delay. Some teachers were hopeful and thinking we would be back to school now, but as we end up the sixth week of online teaching, I do start to wonder if we'll be back at all before the end of the year.

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but it honestly wouldn't surprise me. When Hong Kong announced back at the beginning of February that they wouldn't be going back to school until at least mid-March, and then 20th April, I guessed we'd be going back much later than that. After all, they've had much fewer cases than in the mainland.

Then on Tuesday, Hong Kong’s Chief Executive, Carrie Lam, announced that schools will not be able to reopen on 20th April, as previously planned. With 7 million people, Hong Kong still has fewer than 170 cases and four deaths, and 38 people still in treatment. Whilst some other provinces in China are hoping to go back soon, in Beijing we currently have a total of 479 cases, with 8 deaths and 92 people still in treatment. Let's face facts, with a population of 21.5 million people, and the number of imported cases now increasing, we're not going anywhere.

I might invest in a decent office chair. I've heard Ikea is quite quiet as of late. Probably because no one can go for a cheeky nap or game of cards in one of their showrooms anymore.

Crime scene or a new shopping experience?

Make yourself comfortable doggos, I'm going to be here a while.

Vet Visits and Veggiefied Noodles

It appears the UK is so busy with storms and flooding that today we got their usually crappy weather.  It seemed to be continuously raining without actual drops falling from the sky, like walking through an endless soggy cloud.
   

The community police-folk had kindly woken the doggos at 8am (on a Saturday!) to check my housemate's registration papers again, and unable to get back to sleep I indulged in a bit more Friend's watching and losing time on Pinterest. Originally looking for Chinese breakfast ideas (who knew I might actually miss school food), the morning magically disappeared and it was soon time to start thinking about lunch. Sticking with the Chinese theme, I recreated a version of the Omnivores DanDan Noodles, sans porc of course. I also tried to create my own chili oil. In the past, I'm sure Drew and I just threw chili flakes in to a jar of oil and hoped for the best - what amateurs! It was fun to do, my only wish was that I owned a funnel.
  

 Use all the spices!

Still, I'm thankful to finally have hot water in the kitchen which made cleaning up the aftermath that little bit easier. The first two years I was told by the letting agent that a hot-water tap in the kitchen is "non-essential," and used to have to wash up in cold water or by boiling the kettle. No wonder people are getting sick, smh.

In the afternoon, I left the house! I was able to take Bao to the vets, and if I'm being perfectly honest I was dreading it. Given how much my previous elderly foster dog had gone through; months of medications, blood-tests and a blood transfusion, eventually ending in an emotional euthanisation (and an exceedingly large vet bill), I wasn't sure what to expect. She'd had a blood test about a month ago, and found that certain levels were high, possibly due to liver or gallbladder issues - a result of living off a diet of rubbish (trash for my American friends) for a fair amount of her life. She'd previously been put on a kind of doggy-multivitamins, that seemed to be working well and given her a bit more energy. Thankfully, I was able to pop to the eerily empty shopping mall over the road whilst she had her blood tests done, and came back to find that whilst some levels were still off, the vet remained hopeful. Given her age, her condition, and the fact that she currently has a healthy appetite, he was reluctant to put her on any further medication in case it upset her stomach.
  

En route to the vets!

Unfortunately, he wasn't able to do anything about her snoring though, as medically it's not a problem, nor a sign of anything more serious.

It's just... so... loud!

Still, I'm just thankful she's doing ok. Next step will be to try and find her a permanent home for when I leave China. Let me know if you know anyone looking for an elderly snorasaurus...

As of Feb 29th:
1,400 unwatched YouTube videos on my 'to watch later' playlist (damn you recommended homepage!)
495 unread emails.
7 unread paper books (+ 1 kindle).
3 dogs and a hamster.

1 jar of chili oil.

198 episodes of Friends left to watch.

Lumpy Breasts and More Tests

The fun thing about writing your own blog, in addition to amusing the world with your witty discourse and poorly taken photos, is that you can also see how many visitors have come to your site, and from where. Thankfully having such an obscure blog name means your friends can also type "Heffalumps and Happy Times" in to Google from most places in the world and it usually pops up as the first entry - no fancy SEO techniques needed!

The downside of this, is that anyone can read your blog, and you can also see what keywords people have searched for. The charity haircut was quite popular, as well as searches for Korean toilets, however one of my blog's most popular posts was found through key words such as: flashing breasts, boobs, and open window. Ah, my first day at university in Martinique. The searchers must have been sorely disappointed.

So, given the popularity of breasts on this blog, and also the amount of comfort I received from reading other women's blogs and comments on the subject, I felt it would be cathartic to write about my own experience of a surgical biopsy in China, and to also act as a reminder to myself that I have an adverse reaction to both steri-strips and a certain kind of antibiotics. I might even get a few more page views from creepy people for good measure.

1. The Discovery
Lumps are never a good thing for a woman to find in the chest area, except for the occasional time an errant chocolate chip is inadvertently caught between bra and breast following a Netflix binge (or so I've heard from a friend...). Mine had popped up a few years ago, and after being practically frog marched to the hospital by Andrew and a friend visiting at the time, and several scans and pokes later, I was told it was all benign and I just need to have it checked every 6 months. Which, thanks to health insurance and several reminders, I did.

I therefore expected this last hospital visit to be much of the same: cold, sticky gel, blurry ultrasounds and free polo mints before you're sent home with a "see you in 6 months". Which was fine, until the sonographer and doctor started discussing their findings.
"Yes, quite large. Actually there's two, possibly more."
"Possibly surgery...".
"Um... hello? I can understand Mandarin!"
As my poor baby boy had previously had on operation on his back to have two tumors removed, my Chinese vocabulary in this area was pretty specialised. And whilst I was a tiny bit proud of my comprehension skills, I didn't like what I was hearing.

Now the doctors in China are not particularly known for their bedside manner, and although the doctor I had was fairly gentle, the news was still delivered rather bluntly. He explained (in English) that several lumps had grown rather quickly over the last 12 months, and given my family history with the big C, he wanted to cut them out and test. "Just to be on the safe side, as it's very likely you'll get cancer during your lifetime". It's always lovely to receive such encouraging words. "Could [I] come in after Spring Festival next week?" The surgeon was only having a few days off for Chinese New Year, but as my brother was due to arrive in a few days, I managed to book an appointment after his flight home. Blood tests were drawn, surgical knives were sterilised (hopefully), and several forms signed. It's times like this that I'm thankful for my faith, an excellent insurance plan and a sympathetic mother.

"Oh Ems, it'll be reet."

Reet, indeed.

And in case you needed a reminder, check your boobs. This story ends well, but as Dr B. said, it's better to be safe than sorry!

Temperature Checks and Toilet Rolls

Today I treated myself with a trip to the supermarket. Last week I'd taken stock of what I had in the apartment, and had been slowly emptying the fridge-freezer of any fresh/frozen produce. At last, I was finally down to the last sad looking sweet potato and had to venture out beyond the community gates. It was time. Sorry neighbours.

The community had sealed off the usual route I take, closing 2 of the compound's gates so we could only and enter through the one checkpoint. The rudimental barriers and security guards added to the low-security prison feel, and I felt the need to justify myself to the guy on duty as I left through the North gate. He merely grunted, as if scurvy should be the least of my worries when there's a deadly disease out there.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect as I made the way to the supermarket. The shops along the front of the building were closed, except one hot pot place offering takeout. You know China is in big trouble when even the hot pot restaurants are quiet. The supermarket had reduced their opening times to allow for extra thorough cleaning (always a bonus), and my friend Katie had already posted pictures of her local store, so I was hopeful there wouldn't be any shortages and a limited chance of catching anything. I passed the temperature check and entered an eerily quiet supermarket.

Oh it was glorious! They had everything and then some. As I was still slightly recovering, I didn't want to go too crazy and have to carry everything back, especially as using the other gate added a little extra to my walk. However, given how long it had been since the fresh fruit and veg market had come to our community, and the fact that I had barely spent anything in the last week, I was more than ready to 'splash the cash'. Especially as there was hardly anyone else there. I felt better about buying my fruit and veg when there wasn't an old lady pawing her way through them all to find the freshest ones or some guy picking his nose next to them.

I also bought flushable toilet roll. I wasn't sure if I was more excited about no longer having to empty a bin of used toilet roll from my bathroom, or the fact that I could read and understand the characters on such an obscure subject. I spent the next few moments playing the crazy-foreigner and grinning about my new find. I mean, this is life changing. Anyone who has ever visited a public bathroom can attest to how stinky those little bins get. I got a few odd looks from customers and staff, and wondered if they thought my happiness in the middle of such a dire situation was caused by the (fake) news that caucasians can't catch the coronavirus. No, I was happy about flushable loo roll. This is what my life has been reduced to now.

11 days to go?

I hobbled back to my apartment and made a smoothie. Fresh never tasted so good.

As of Feb 13th:
1,379 unwatched YouTube videos on my 'to watch later' playlist.
505 unread emails.
7 unread paper books (+ 1 kindle).
4 cartons of soy milk.
3 dogs and a hamster.

Copious amounts of fruit and veg.

224 episodes of Friends left to watch.

Lie me down in a darkened room...

Yesterday was my first day of online teaching.

I had no idea what to expect, and from the sounds of things neither did anybody else.  Our school is using our usual teaching timetable from 8 - 3.15.  We'd sent all the required materials the night before hand, and students were asked to download Zoom ready for the morning meeting. Thankfully I was able to get up in time, greet everyone on the group video call and then, the influx of questions began...

Student: "What time should we come on Zoom for Maths?"

Me: "You don't need to, please watch the prerecorded video you were sent by email labelled '1. WATCH FIRST', then complete the worksheet labelled '2. COMPLETE SECOND'. *You know, the things your co-teacher and I spent a long time planning and preparing.*

Student: "So what is the Zoom code?"

Me: "There is no Zoom code, you don't need to come on Zoom"

Student B: "It's 7**-***-****"

Student: "Teacher, I can't use the code to log in to Zoom."

Me: "That's because that's the morning meeting code."

Student: "So how do I come to class on Zoom?"

Me: "THERE IS NO ZOOM CLASS. Please check your email, it will have all the materials you need."

Student C: "Where are my emails?"

Me: *Where is my sanity?*

Who is responsible for teaching these kids how to read? Oh wait...

As well as the usual class content, I taught students how to open emails. How to write an email. How to add an attachment. How to add a capital letter when typing. HOW TO USE LOWERCASE LETTERS. Howtoaddaspace. How to add punctuation so all the sentences dont just merge in to one super long sentence without any space for a pause even though we most definitely cover how to avoid run on sentences like this in school.

And breathe.

I might add IT support to my CV.

In the afternoon, my co-teacher and I spent time calling the students to see how they were doing, and if they had any questions or concerns about online learning. Most of them seemed fine, although a few were a little suspicious as to why we were calling. The dogs were clearly unimpressed with their afternoon naps being disturbed, and held a meeting to decide what they will do if I stay home another week.

"I don't see anyone, do you, Mao?"
"It's only been a week, and now she's talking at her computer more than ever."

At 4pm I had to go lie down. I couldn't watch TV, read things on my iPad, or look through Facebook (this is being posted way later than 10th Feb). Anything that involved a screen was a no-go. Tomorrow I must remind myself to take a break. For my eyes and for my sanity. I'm not sure how I'm going to manage two weeks of this... wish me luck!

As of Feb 10th:

1,390 unwatched YouTube videos on my 'to watch later' playlist.
495 unread personal emails. 
0 unread school emails (for now). I'm not sure what I will wake up to tomorrow.
7 unread paper books (+ 1 kindle).

3 unimpressed dogs and a hamster.

229 episodes of Friends left to watch.

2 burning eyes.